What is my True Self?

In this blog, learn what I mean by 'True Self'. How does an insecure attachment style cut us off from parts of ourselves? How can attachment healing make us feel more whole?

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Attachment style and the self

Healthy relationships are all about intimacy—getting close, "being real" with others and feeling secure. We get insecure attachment styles when something awful happens to us (trauma), usually in childhood. To protect ourselves, we change how we are intimate in relationships.

An Anxious Preoccupied can appear "needy" for intimacy, and get their sense of self from others, to protect themselves from being left alone (fear of abandonment). Dismissive Avoidants avoid intimacy because they feel safer being alone, and fear "losing themselves" in relationships (fear of engulfment). The Fearful Avoidants both desire and fear intimacy, so they "push and pull" in relationships, leaving them with a confused sense of self.

But this isn't who we are! Something awful happens again, we get triggered, and it feels like we're right back to that time when our insecure attachment started. We are protecting ourselves—we aren't being our true selves.

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Relationship healing begins with your self

When we protect ourselves in relationships, we usually aren't aware we are doing this—we are acting subconsciously. Trauma is something that happened to you which was so overwhelming that your conscious mind was not able to process it. But your mind still needed to make sense of it somehow.

Our human minds make sense of thing through storytelling. So, the subconscious mind stepped in to help, and made up a story so you could adapt to the situation. It is likely that this story simply was not true, especially if you were a child when the trauma happened.

These stories are known as our core wounds, or limiting beliefs, about ourselves. They helped you protect yourself from the trauma. They may have been helpful at the time, but now they are actually holding you back—now, they are maladaptive. We can thank them for their service yet tell them that they are no longer needed.

Anxious Preoccupieds believe in their core they are alone. What often helps is to build a stronger friendship with themselves, so they feel more self-reliant. Dismissive Avoidants believe something is wrong with them, so they hide out. They respond well to gradually learning to trust people—especially themselves. Fearful Avoidants have similar core wounds as the Anxious and Dismissives, and their own unique fear of betrayal. They find balance when they tend to both anxious and dismissive sides, and reduce their hypervigilance (heightened self-protection).

Everyone is unique, so your subconscious stories will be specific to your own life.

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Feel more whole

With True Self Attachment Coaching, you can consciously rewrite and subconsciously rewire these stories to improve your self-belief and self-confidence. You will start to feel more whole—like your True Self.

Integrated Attachment Theory™ is a psychological modality that research has shown heals insecure attachment styles. Often with insecure attachment, we didn't have a parent or caregiver teach us how to have secure relationships with people. The six components of Integrated Attachment Theory™—self-belief, personality needs, emotional regulation, boundaries, communication and coping strategies—are designed to do just that.

Once you start rewiring your self-belief, you learn what your personality needs are. Everyone has six basic needs—connection, certainty, uncertainty, growth, contribution and significance. We become out of touch with our needs when we are protecting ourselves, for example through people pleasing or emotionally numbing. Now we are older and more mature, we can learn our specific personality needs, and how to meet them.

People with insecure attachment styles spend a lot of their day in the 'fight or flight' mode—this is the survival response to self-protection. This is because, again, we weren't taught how to emotionally regulate when we are upset. As a result, we adopt unhealthy coping strategies, such as self-neglect, social isolation or even jealousy, that keep us from meaningful connection.

Boundaries are ways that we delineate who we are, who the other person is and how we come together in a healthy way of 'inter-dependence'—there is a balance in how much we rely on ourselves and on others. When we don't set enough boundaries, we can get into 'co-dependent' relationships, where boundaries are blurred. When we have too many boundaries, we can be 'hyper-independent', and not get close enough to others to be truly intimate.

Finally, to become truly intimate, we need to know how to communicate with each other in healthy ways, where we feel safe being vulnerable and sharing our true selves. Taking these six components together, you will feel more relief and fulfilment in your relationships and with yourself.

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Start your healing with a free coaching session

I offer one-to-one and couple's coaching in Integrated Attachment Theory™. Currently, I am offering the first session free, and as a subscriber to my newsletter, you get a second session free! Test it out, to see how True Self Attachment Coaching can help you. Click on the link or image below for the details and booking page:

https://www.mytrueselfcoach.com/services/free-session

I look forward to working with you!

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