What a secure relationship looks like
- Emily
- Mar 28, 2025
- 7 min read
Updated: Jun 16, 2025
There is a lot of information out there about insecure attachment styles. But what does having a secure attachment style look like? How do we grow into this so our relationships thrive? This blog will help you imagine yourself as secure: you will see it, so you can be it.
See it, be it
Many of us today are working on healing our insecure attachment styles. We are learning about co-dependent, narcissistic and toxic relationships, which is so helpful to know what not to do. But for a lot of us, we haven't seen secure relationships role modelled for us. A client of mine recently asked: how do you become secure when you don't know what it looks like? This insightful question inspired me to write this blog.
Billie Jean King, tennis legend who famously won the 'Battle of the Sexes' in 1973, said, "You have to see it, to be it". This proved true as King provided children and adults alike with a vision of what was possible, blazing the trail for the professional women's tennis game we see as normal today.
We do the same to become securely attached: we create a vision of who we want to be by drawing from role models and building on secure traits we already possess. You may be surprised. Once we start looking for it, we start to see it everywhere. This shifts the focus of our brains from 'what is wrong with me' to 'what is my potential'?
Insecurity as self-protection
As we heal our insecure attachment style and become secure, we must be compassionate with ourselves by remembering that our insecure traits developed to protect us from relationship trauma. They are not inherent, fixed personality characteristics. If we over-identify with them, and accept that we are damaged or just plain broken, we will not find a way to break through and transform them, which I assure is 100% possible. I know it because I've seen it in my clients and in myself as I went through my healing process.
Relationship trauma is something that happened to you (like abuse), or didn't happen (like neglect), which was so overwhelming that your conscious mind was not able to process it. But your mind still needed to make sense of it somehow. Our human minds make sense of thing through storytelling. So, the subconscious mind stepped in to help, and made up a story so you could adapt to the situation. Some examples of these stories are shown below for each of the four attachment styles.
These stories are known as our core wounds, or limiting beliefs, about ourselves. They helped you protect yourself from relationship trauma. They may have been helpful at the time, but now they are actually holding you back—now, they are maladaptive because they keep you from being your truly intimate in relationships. We can thank them for their service yet tell them that they are no longer needed. See my previous blog on 'What is my True Self' to learn more about the core wounds.
As newborns, we are wired for connection, expecting safety, warmth and acceptance. It is only when we instead learn that we cannot expect this from people that we respond with self-protection. We are born secure—this is our True Self. And that secure inner self never went away. It is still within us. It wasn't our fault we developed an insecure attachment style, but is now our responsibility to nurture that secure self into being again.
What is secure?
So, who is this elusive creature we are seeking out called 'Secure'? For those of us with insecure attachment styles, it is a novel idea!
A securely attached person is at their heart emotionally stable, which allows them to be consistent, reliable and patient. They have a balanced self-esteem, accepting their positive and negative qualities, which gives them confidence to communicate their emotions, needs and boundaries, and enables them to hold themselves accountable when they make mistakes. To them, their world is generally a safe place where other people will love, respect and protect them—they believe this because they have experienced this.
A secure attachment style does not mean you are free from insecurities. This is no picture of boring perfection—when we heal our insecure attachment style, we can still be our quirky, flawed and fun-loving selves. We all struggle in life and in relationships, no matter what our attachment style. The crucial difference is generally feeling at ease within ourselves and in our relationships, so we can work through life's inevitable struggles together.
Research suggests that about half of the US population is securely attached. But this is a somewhat simplified picture of things. Most of us have what are known as primary and secondary attachment styles: one attachment style that is most dominant, and another that rests in the background, occasionally making itself known.
When we start healing our insecure attachment style, we transition into secure through our secondary attachment style. I will notice after some time of working with clients that they are consistently showing up as secure for themselves and in their relationships, even though they are still experiencing insecure triggers on a regular basis. Here we stop and celebrate the energy of this new potential that is emerging.
These are just some high-level traits we can use to start building a picture of what a secure relationship can look like. But how do you integrate these into your life personally? Keep reading, and you will start to recognize this creature everywhere you go—especially within yourself.
Secure self, secure relationships
You are reading this blog because you want a secure relationship—well done, this is first step, which can be the hardest. Sticking to our old patterns is the easy path, however much pain it may cause. Being open to trying something new can feel risky—but in terms of becoming secure, I can assure you that it is a safe bet.
The next step is working from the inside out. We build secure relationships with others through a secure relationship with ourselves. We can only be as good to others as we are to ourselves. How do you treat yourself, with your thoughts and your actions? Are you treating yourself as well as you treat others, and as well as you expect others to treat you?
This comes down to the values you hold about relationships. Are you clear about what your what is most precious, and even sacred, to you? Is it compassion, loyalty, honesty? Our values serve a north star that does not waver in moments of upset and keep us aligned to something fixed in space. Hold fast to these and the path will remain true.
So, what makes you feel secure? Some things my clients say that other people do to make them feel secure include:
These are gestures of connection my clients value. Notice the traits in other people that make you feel secure, and treat yourself this way: reassure yourself, take an interest in yourself, offer yourself help. The most important relationship you have in the world is the one you have with yourself.
Being secure with others
A secure relationship is not a fresh new house we just step into. Security is something you create in your relationships. Yes, we can receive it, but we also must provide it for others. With every emotion we express, every boundary we set, and every need we ask to be met—like birds weaving their new family nest with each stalk of straw—we build trust between each other.
Guess what? You are probably already doing this somewhere in your life. Where in your relationships are you able to be vulnerable by sharing something private and tender about yourself in an attempt to ask for support from others? When you are upset, do you comfort yourself with kind words and actions, and seek out what you need to feel relief? Are there areas in your life where you can de-escalate conflict through constructive communication?
The biggest barrier to lasting relationships for people with insecure attachment styles is unresolved conflict. Conflict occurs when there is a perceived imbalance, either in time, space, energy or resources. It is not bad or good—conflict is a normal and inevitable part of intimate relationships. Like music, the tension between discord and harmony makes life more interesting!
However, how we respond to conflict can result either in harmony or even greater imbalances. It may seem counterintuitive, but we actually get closer to people after times of conflict, but only if we repair any damage and come to deeper understanding and acceptance of each other.
It is a profound experience to feel safe enough to make a mistake, apologize for it and receive forgiveness. This is because accepting our imperfections brings us closer to our humanity. We learn we can trust each other no matter what life throws at us, and that makes the relationship even more powerful and long-lasting. Because life will throw a lot at us, we can count on that!
Make a plan, start small
The good news is we can heal our insecure attachment styles and become more secure. Like creating a new nest, we build security stalk-by-stalk of straw. However, it is not always easy: it is a process of progress, setbacks and growth. During the setbacks, treat yourself kindly. Know that this is the path, and you will achieve your goals if you keep working. And when there is progress, celebrate it!
Today, you can ask yourself:
Who are my secure role models? Who in my life, past or present, has made me feel safe, relaxed and free to be myself? What did they do, how can I emulate it?
Where am I already secure? Can I notice this as part of my identity? How can I apply these skills I already have to areas where I struggle?
What makes me feel secure? How can I practice this on a daily basis in the way I treat myself? Can I practice this with others so I am an active participant in creating more security in my relationships?
You might have an insecure attachment style on the surface--but lurking below you will find that elusive Secure Self bursting to come to the surface, if you keep imagining it. Making a commitment to being secure every day will help you build a picture of 'what a secure relationship looks like' to you. If you see it, you will be it.
Your True Self is secure.
If this blog resonated with you, know that you don’t have to go through your attachment style healing alone. If you'd like one-to-one support, book a free 20-minute consultation with me, where you will learn your attachment style and find out if my approach is right for you.
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